Hi, Mr. John Stonehill –
I have a friend who wants his fridge done and wants to know why he has problems with women. I know him well and I’ve already told him why, but he doesn’t believe me. So I guess he needs your expert opinion.
And when you do his write up, would you call him “The Bergler”? That’s his nickname here in our scooter club.
I’m not sure if we can learn more from “The Bergler’s” fridge, or the fact that he’s in a scooter club, but we’ll stick to fridges for now.
When I look at this fridge, it reminds me of a great line in The Incredibles:
Helen: Everyone’s special, Dash.
Dash: Which is another way of saying no one is.
That’s what I think of when I look at this fridge. And I don’t mean it in a bad way. Some of us (and our fridges) just don’t stick out as spesh, positive or negative. Bergler just seems like a regular dude.
Per your note, can I see room for improvement? Of course, we all can.. But it’s not a smoking gun that this guy is home watching YouPorn on his Saturday Nights.
To break down Bergler’s fridge, we’ll separate our thoughts into 2 camps: Hot and Not…
• I like his fridge model. The pic doesn’t tell the make, but it is stainless steel, has humidity controlled veggie drawers, plus digital temperature controls. All features that cost extra.
• He shops at Whole Foods. It’s an upscale store that carriers premium quality for a premium price. (The fact he also shops at a Kroger-owned supermarket, like most of us, reinforces his residency in camp regular)
• He’s (mostly) a brand guy, with Schweppes, French’s and Land O’Lakes for support.
• He has skim milk. Is it hot if he downs it by the half gallon? Uh, no. But at least it’s fat free and with his healthy stash of eggs, a sign he’s big on breakfast.
• Fever Tree Ginger Ale: this is a renowned company that produces 1st class mixers and is found in several of the world’s top restaurants. Whether it’s to mix with Jack or to enjoy on it’s own, it shows B-Train’s got taste.
• He’s got foodie potential, at least when it comes to Asian sauces and pastes.
• Corona. Lets be frank: clever commercials aside, it’s the Milwaukee’s Best of Mexico. A quality beer doesn’t need a lime to add flavor. I have to assume Bergler is more influenced by its media than its product (which most of us are at times).
• Camp Carb. I mean, how much bread does one guy need? There are prisons that serve less. He does eat relatively well, and reinforces the ‘middle-of-the-road’ theme. Plenty of fruits and veggies, but enough bread to build one big belly.
• Heluva homebody. The Bergler has enough perishable foods to keep him home more than he should be, yet not what’s needed to host a date. With the bread alone, he’s got enough sandwiches for a week.
• His freezer is an ‘oh’ for organization. He does have some quality stuff in there, but they look like they’re living under a rock. Chaos in one’s fridge = chaos in one’s life.
We live in a day where everyone gets a trophy. My feeling: you get a trophy for being spesh. That’s not to say Bergler isn’t. It’s just that nothing calls out that he’s a must-meet, or a must-miss either.
Fridge Dating Scorecard
Shag on first date: 4
I like the fact that he has beer to serve, plus cheese if he has a lineup of red wine. If he’s using it to make cheese sandwiches, he’s screwed. (Not the good way)
Plus, lets face it: guys on scooters normally don’t kill it with the ladies.
The Bergler again falls middle-of-the-road. He probably has a career as he can afford an upscale model. Plus, he drinks and eats meat, both of which I like to see.
It’s important to put your best foot forward when you’re single. If you don’t, you’ll probably look worse when you’re married.
With enough bread and jelly to keep peanut butter in business, Bergler’s probably not svelte. But he’s eating well enough, that I assume he’s no worse than average either.
Boil your Bunny: 3.5
He has female friends who vouch for him, a big plus. The fact he rides a scooter, an additional sign he’s harmless.
I don’t like that he has enough bread for a stakeout and his chaotic fridge is a red flag.
Though I still have to keep him below average.